An Angry Man on the Ferry

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P&O Ferry Rotterdam–Hull

January 2006

Social Research Before It’s Too Late

Travelling back from Holland on the overnight ferry we went to the cafeteria as usual and watched what everyone was choosing to eat as we always do – for the P&O North Sea Ferries are a source of social research that is possibly going to fade soon and then where will we be? The cafés on these ferries have a help-yourself buffet that you pay a fixed amount for, and you can then choose any amount from an immensely wide range of options, including roasts on a carvery, Indian or Chinese, salads etc etc.

A Pink Snowperson

On this particular trip I happened to decide on roast beef I think, or it may have been pork, anyway, I was at the vegetable counter and helping myself to some mixed mange-tout and red pepper, and I was carefully picking out the red pepper in excess of the mange tout, because I thought it looked to have been cooked less energetically, and I spotted a woman out of the corner of my eye who was regarding me with some disapproval, though this wasn’t, I think, because I was picking out the red bits but because I was choosing to eat any of this unspeakable red and green mixture at all; I could tell from the look which was a definite I-know-what-I-like one, so I kept an eye on what she was eating, which turned out to be two chunks of roast beef, roast potatoes, and chips. She then followed up with some cheese and biscuits, then a creamy sponge dessert, then ice cream. She was the shape of a globe, with another, much smaller, globe stuck on top, which was her head. She looked rather like a snowman, except not white, more a kind of blotchy pink. Her friend who was with her was not quite so large, though still immense by most people’s standards, and I noticed that she couldn’t finish her chips and declined the final ice cream. There’s a study to be done on the P&O ferries, before they turn into a pumpkin.

Or Not a Pumpkin

Or before they stop doing low-cost day-trips, or before they cease providing an all-you-can-eat-for-a-fixed-price buffet.

Cabaret on the P&O

April 2005

Through the tipping-it-down pouring rain to Rotterdam, where we boarded the ferry and then stayed eating and talking in the self-service restaurant somewhat later than we usually do, which meant that as we walked back to our cabin through the bar, the cabaret had begun. Two men and three women, the men in black shirts, black trousers and rather clompy black shoes, the women in low-cut black v-tops, black trousers with sharp creases and very-high-heeled shoes, and they between them did a kind of polished karaoke with rehearsed dance movements.

Behind a glass screen at the rear of the audience were two rather cauliflower-eared men with shaven heads, working the sound balance and lighting.

At the tables sat a smattering of elderly folk, trying to appear enthusiastic. We stood at the back alongside some lorry drivers nursing their pints, and were incredulous. And laughing, though we felt rather snooty doing this so decided not to stay too long.

This particular crossing, being a Tuesday in April, was not terribly full and the people that there were mainly consisted of German coach parties of elderly folk. This is not the key market for the Hull-Rotterdam ferry: no, this ferry makes most of its money from Brits on a night out, where they cross to Rotterdam, or Zeebrugge, dancing and drinking to the cabaret until, the lead singer gleefully informed us in his intro, about 4am, periodically interspersing their entertainment with a turn losing their money at the blackjack or roulette tables. They then sleep away a coach trip round the bulbfields or more likely the red light district of Amsterdam and repeat the exciting experience the following night on the way back home. They can even leave their dancing shoes and glittery gown and cowboy hat in the cabin for the day. What a grand double night-out! While we boring old respectables sleep through it all in our cabins, oblivious to all the fun that is taking place just along the corridor.

The ferry docked safely, I’m pleased to report.